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Men who think “I’m not sexist” and “I think violence against women is wrong” really do integrate these beliefs into their identities. When men like Trump are blatantly sexist and say demeaning things, it’s so easy for other men to think, “I’m not him like him so I’m not an abuser.” Some men are only aggressive like this in intimate relationships with women. They aren’t the guys that are going to make sexist jokes and they aren’t intentionally thinking, “How can I harm a woman?” But they have these private moments where they feel insecure or threatened or triggered.

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